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July 21st, 2006 @ 6:09am]
Better to love someone who you don't know than love someone who knows you. There is that fear again that builds inside whn you fall in love. I hate it, and i want it to go away. but it wont. its better this way, he doesnt know me and i dont know him.
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June 9th, 2006 @ 6:12pm]
by: spinmesilently

Our fingers find
Their way to each other
And twine
Like rose briars do
When they grow old.
My world gyrates,
It’s lost in space,
You cant take hold
Of my gyrating worlds
It’s lost in space.
Spin, spin, spin,
Along the thinning surface
Of reason
We must be beyond our reasons
And we are, we are.
Swim, float
In my dark, dark sky
Like pale balloons
Going astray
Where do we go?
Where do we turn?
And all I get
Is a smile in reply.
Then you let go
You let me go.
My hands,
My quaking hands
Look for you
Trace your form
In the emptiness before me.
Come back, come back
Our waltz hasn’t ended yet.
But all I could clutch
Is the ghost of your presence.
Then air, still, stifled air
Seeping, passing
Between my fingers.
So I float once more
In my dark, dark sky
Like a winter star
Drifting its way to its
Silent-film supernova.
And light-years later
I am back where I was
Traipsing, dancing,
Along tracks of stars.
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June 9th, 2006 @ 6:01pm]
I can't bear to have this situation anymore. I also can't fool myself.

"I love him with every ounce of my heart, I just don't let it get to me anymore.."

This phrase is Bullshit....

It is so hard to still love someone but not care. I can't just detach both emotions... indifference and love don't come together....

I just can't anymore....
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Even if [Wednesday
May 24th, 2006 @ 9:26am]
All those sleepless nights
All the tears I cried
All the pain I kept inside
I kept asking myself why
You had to say goodbye

Was it just a dream
When you said to me
That there is someone new in your life
You could have at least lied
The truth just scared me

Even if...
You mean the whole damn world to me
I can forget you, wait and see
I can be strong even without you
I can’t waste my life forever
Hoping you’d come back to me
But deep inside I know
I’ll be waiting here for you


Even if...
You mean the whole damn world to me
I can forget you, wait and see
I can be strong even without you
I can’t waste my life forever
Hoping you’d come back to me
But deep inside I know
I’ll be waiting here for you
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May 22nd, 2006 @ 6:32am]
Is it actually possible that you feel the same way as i do, when i feel something. Like we both feel the same emptiness or happiness at the same time, if that is possible, could our souls be somehow connected to each other?

It is so many a wish to ask. But i hardly think we connect that way. sometimes the mind is so powerful, it makes us think tings we don't want.
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minay and me babbling... [Monday
May 15th, 2006 @ 2:17am]
"Life is not measured by the moment of breath you take. its measured by the moment that take your breath away!!!!!!"
i belive in this saying...i also belive that at least once in a girls/boys life that one should expirince the love life that person dreams off....even if only for the breif momonet that love last. like myelf i want to experince the passionet caring love that a am always looking for in the things i read watch and actually dream about....i just one even if it is a fling the love that i can share with my closest daughter or to my grandkids.....as "our little secret"....every girl/boy must fall in love to see what it feels like...its up to them to chase a love like that again or to simply get on with another path any another life...at least thats what i belive....am i crazy to think so????
am i also so crazy to have a strange fear that i will only have a mediocre love life....i know thats the stem on which this belief grows...in the end i think ill be one of the people whi ends up either with the child i have (explination : by the time am around 30 and i don't have a bf..or whatever am ganna have a kid no matter what!!!!natural or artifical insemination depends on my mood )or with afreind that becomes my companoin because we are so afraid to be alone...????? sigh am not usually like that!!!!!!!she is like this more often than me!!!!! but related so there!!!!! sue me!!!!!!!! "

Xdra ian

We are at times led to believe the books we read or the movies we watch, but the reason we do is because we don't see that in real life, we don't have it. The made up romance. We only come across few people who are real romantics. I understand what it means with what Xdra ian is saying. sometimes the greatest types of love are the ones that don't last.
the ones that are intense and mind blowing... the ones that make you do crazy things... the kind of loves that you wont be able to resist...

I want a love I won't be able to resist.....

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May 12th, 2006 @ 11:45pm]
Araw-araw nalang nariyan ka at nariyan ako, ngunit di naman natin mahanap ang isa't isa...

Kasi siguro nakita ni Lord, at sinabi niya.. di naman sila bagay, at di nila kinakausap ang isa't isa....

Pinabayaan nalang tayo..

Tamad din daw kasi tayong dalawa...

Hanggang ganun lang naman e..

Ayoko na sanang mahuli sa panaginip lang...

Kaso kahit managinip lang ako mali na yun...

Di talaga pwede...

unfair lang talaga ung mundo..


What can I do, if one of us is lying on the earth and the other is lost in the sky..?
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Happiness became a bore [Friday
May 12th, 2006 @ 11:17pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

One of the most beautiful things in the world is sadness. I wish more people would realize that because some just won't understand me when I choose to be unhappy. They don't listen to why, they don't understand it. They think I am wrong when I feel it. I love sadness. I love how it feels, how it surrounds me. They think im being too negative if im sad. No not really. I just choose to be on the other side of every other person who isn't feeling what I feel.

No, you think I think sadness makes me feel deep, it does not, it makes me feel like I exist, it makes me feel like listening, like writing, like singing. Sadness is passion for a darker form of beauty, the other side of sunshine and rainbows.

Is that so hard to understand? Is that so bad?

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the wise words of Anton Chekov [Wednesday
May 10th, 2006 @ 10:51pm]
All this nonsense can be explained perhaps, but not by us. It is useless to ask questions or give explanations of what one does not understand.

[Anton Chekov]


One day, A person will see that what He/She did was more harm than good. One day I will prove that person wrong because that person is to goddamn proud to accept change and too fucking OC to accept an imperfect but happy life. One day this person will see that I am not what that person thinks I am because even if that person thinks He/She knows me, that person does not know me. That person doesn't fucking know me. I don't know what to do to hate that person, because I can't but I want to, I hate but I don't hate. It's really simple and really compilcated. How can you hate someone who still tries? And how can you love someone who does that to you? How can you not hate someone who says those things to you? It watered the roots of my anger and hate. But I will not let it destroy me, let it destroy that person, but not me.

There are many things I have started to fight for, There are many things I have to prove, But there is something that person will never take away from me, even if that person stripped me from every emotion cell of my body. I have my soul, which will burn and burn for the things I believe in. I hate...I hate...I hate...But do not ask for revenge. All I can ask for is my solitude. I just want some silence. And some peace. That person forgot what those meant.

If you ask, Yes, it is easy to just not love someone anymore. And it is total bullshit when they say that sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me...
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May 9th, 2006 @ 9:50pm]
Watermelons remind me of a person I love very dearly. I can't explain why, but I think it has something to do with the watermelons taste and its texture.

That person is hidden like the water in the watermelon, you see watermelons are mostly made of water but we don't see it that way, that person is like that, and that person is like the texture, smooth yet rough...

I love watermelons, and that person, but the watermelons have no feelings so, its the same way with that person and me..

Im not making any sense... hahaha.. anyway.. this person will always be called watermelon in this journal. No body needs to know who that person is because they don't. hehehe...
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erase, erase, question [Tuesday
May 9th, 2006 @ 4:27pm]
[ mood | weird ]

I erased some of my previous entries to protect the identities of some people. Also because these things that I write are easily accessible so the things I write here can and will be used against me.

"The sense of unhappiness is so much easier to convey than that of happiness. In misery we seem aware of our own existence, even though it may be in the form of a monstrous egotism: this pain of mine is individual, this nerve that winces belongs to me and to no other.But happiness annihilates us: we lose our identity."

- Graham Greene

I got this quote from Moreen, She is one of those people we encounter who become a part of us for the rest of our lives and are rare in this world. She has taught me more than I could handle, but in the end, she is right, I do understand.

I made the other post for her, the ones with the excerpts which were taken from her blog.


Does what our eyes see what is true?, I will ask if it is not so troublesome for the world to answer. Or do we see what we want to see? I'd like to know that. Does insanity really come to the point of psychosis where what we see or hear become what we want to see, where reality and fantasy split into one same nightmare? Is man capable of that kind of sickness without going totaly insane? I don't know anything about mental sicknesses, I have only taken up basic Psychology in my college studies, but it cannot be helped to wonder if they are all true. Do we really see what we want to see or do we see what is real? Which leads me to another thought, that is carried in the same idea of the latter question, What exactly is real?

As children, we are lead to believe certain things. We cannot see the truth at times, it will be hidden from us, they remake the scene, I wonder now, if what we see on television is real? The stories, The news, Why do we believe the movies so much?

I think that the only things we know that are real are what we believe in, our ideas, our actions, our feelings. Why are so many people taking risks? What really matters? And when we ask these questions, we ask what is real, important, whatever. We really just end up asking this question again and again to ourselves, What is real?

And I always end up telling myself that nothing and everything is real, even I am not real at times. Because the world doesn't make life seem real anymore. Because we all search for something that we do not know of, because we all want to know is what the hell we are living for.......

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To Moreen [Sunday
May 7th, 2006 @ 10:31am]
[ mood | tired ]

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply,
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.

Thus in winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.
- Edna St. Vincent Millay


remember a vague picture of his eyes; how their gentle brown evoked a sense of captivation; how their dainty, almond shape amplified an intense look-- leaving traces of wanting and desire in everything they laid upon. I remember a fleeting moment of assurance, a strong sense of certainty that I was the only soul fortunate enough to have owned his eyes.

And i still hold on to the belief that his eyes belonged to me. However brief the moment, it was more passionate than any physical intimacy i have ever had with a man. One may attempt to deem it as transcendence or disillusionment.. I'd rather leave it in anonymity, and just thank God it was real.


kay hirap magpaalam sa taong natutunan mong pangarapin, ngunit hindi tumitigil ang mundo sa aking paghihirap, at hindi maaaring nakabilanggo na lamang sa mga ulap ang aking isipan.
unti-unti na akong bumababa sa lupa upang ipagpatuloy ang buhay. at sa pagbaba ko'y inaasam na unti-unti ka na ring pakawalan.
kailangang tanggapin na nagtapos na ang lahat sa gabi't umagang iyon. masaya ako dahil kinakaya ko nang yakapin ang katotohonang ito.
pero naniniwala ako, nararamdaman kong hindi pa tapos ang lahat.
kahit kailan, kahit saan sa oras ng Diyos, balang araw ay mabubuksan din ito. at kung kinakailangan, isasarado natin ng maayos. at kung itinakda, handa akong ipagpatuloy ang kagandahan ng gabing iyon, nang magkasama tayo.
pakakawalan muna kita ngayon. pero tama si gia, hindi ka dapat kalimutan.
"hanggang sa muli, mariposa ko. hanggang sa muli." :)
-- a......


kung kailan, kung paano, hindi ko alam
basta makakalimot din ako. makakalimot din ako.


Moreen, wherever you are... I want you to know... I may never feel the pain you feel, but I will even little have caught a glimpse of it. We will always have butterlfies fly in and out of our lives... But you are a survivor.. Kung ako un.. I wouldn't be so happy siguro..

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envy [Monday
April 24th, 2006 @ 5:38pm]
I hate envy, The first time you feel it, you know its going to come back. Its going to eat you like an uncontrolable bug, a snake, like a chainsaw slicing your value, your pride more and more. Envy like a pool of virgins' blood for the witch who wanted to be keep her youth, envy like stealing another's boyfriend with the promise of what the other can never give him. Envy like jealousy, envy like greed, resentment, like desire. Opposites exist in Envy, want and dislike, Love, possessive love and hate. Envy has the colors green and red, blood red connected to it, also orange, and purple. Envy like malevolence, like spite. A violet rose, a love affair with a married man, watching another eat ice cream, watching another drive away with your car, its suppossed to be your car. Envy like pain, Envy like suffering, Envy like falling in love. Why does it exist? Why does it destroy us?
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im lost [Monday
April 17th, 2006 @ 12:06am]
I am feeling it again, loneliness mixed with fear, and insomnia, mixed with a heavy feeling... i dont know.. i think its also sadness with emptiness.... im so lost...
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April 13th, 2006 @ 3:18pm]
Sex Without Love
Sharon Olds

How do they do it, the ones who make love
without love? Beautiful as dancers,
gliding over each other like ice-skaters
over the ice, fingers hooked
inside each other's bodies, faces
red as steak, wine, wet as the
children at birth whose mothers are going to
give them away. How do they come to the
come to the come to the God come to the
still waters, and not love
the one who came there with them, light
rising slowly as steam off their joined
skin? These are the true religious,
the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
accept a false Messiah, love the
priest instead of the God. They do not
mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
they are like great runners: they know they are alone
with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
the fit of their shoes, their over-all
cardio-vascular health--just factors, like the partner
in the bed, and not the truth, which is the
single body alone in the universe
against its own best time.

Yes i have also always wondered the same thing......
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the hardest day [Thursday
April 6th, 2006 @ 11:37pm]
One more day, one last look
Before I leave it all behind
And play the role that's meant for us
That said we'd say goodbye

One more night (one more night) by your side (by your side)
Where our dreams collide
And all we have is everything
And there's no pain there's no hurt
There's no wrong it's all right

If I promise to believe will you believe
That there's nowhere that we'd rather be
Nowhere describes where we are
I’ve no choice, I love you
Leave, love you wave goodbye

And all I ever wanted was to stay (all I ever wanted was to stay)
And nothing in this world’s gonna change, change

Never wanna wake up from this night
Never (never) wanna leave this moment
Waiting for you only, only you
Never gonna forget every single thing you do
When loving you is my finest hour
Leaving you, the hardest day of my life
The hardest day of my life

I still breathe (I still breathe), I still eat (I still eat)
And the sun it shines the same as it did yesterday
But there's no warmth, no light
I feel empty inside

But I never will regret a single day
I know it isn't going to go away
What I'm feeling (I'm feeling) for you
I will always love you
Leave, love you wave goodbye (love you wave goodbye)

And all, and all I ever wanted was to stay (all I ever wanted was to stay)
Nothing (nothing) in this world's gonna change...

Never wanna wake up from this night
Never (never) wanna leave this moment
Waiting for you only, only you
Never gonna forget every single thing you do
When loving you is my finest hour
I never knew I'd ever feel this way
I feel for you...

Never wanna wake up (I feel for you, I feel for you) from this night
Never (never, never) wanna leave this moment
Wainting for you only, only you
Never gonna forget (never gonna forget) every single thing you do
When loving you is my finest hour
Leaving you, the hardest day of my life...
Never wanna wake up from this night
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a breath between us could be miles [Sunday
April 2nd, 2006 @ 10:57pm]
I have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road

we meet at the lights
I stare for a while
the world around disappears

just you and me
on this island of hope
a breath between us could be miles

let me surround you
my sea to your shore
let me be the calm you seek

oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away

and I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away

and I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you
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I lost my mom's 1 karat diamond earing.. fuck... [Saturday
April 1st, 2006 @ 3:40pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I was talking to my ninang then she noticed that one of my ears was bare. I touched it. Then poof.. I realized that it was gone.. i looked everywhere. but to no avail.. I dont know how she will react to this...

but its one of her really nice ones... why couldnt i just have lost the cheap ones... im soo dead.....

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